Chapter One - The Soliloquy Begins

My farts smell weird.
With that statement I'd like to open up the platform that will be my messages. Ever since I started eating vegetarian, there's been an odd change in my gut. Every time I pass gas, it smells like someone is steaming vegetables, though off and overripe as they might be. It's not so much smelly as it is fairly quaint. However, it has a good reason: I have a very defective digestive system that withholds almost no nutrients, certainly not enough from only vegetables. So when something goes in, it comes out almost in the same state. Hence the smell of cooked veggies as they've basically just been warming up in my body, not really broken down.
 
That's why until my twenties I was an avid carnivore. It might not be good for me per se, but function-wise it let me get up in the morning and not faint due to other related medical issues. A tight rope to be walking on in my case, I assure you.
And here you thought that this would be an intellectual debate about world problems and deep, compelling insight. Too bad sport, we'll be talking about my digestive system and my bowel movements!


The reason for this disgusting, too-much-information quote is that during my meat eating years, I always had a certain longing to eat vegetarian. It's not that I don't like meat, on the contrary, meat is awesome. It's just that eating meat requires you to kill an innocent creature and that sucks. You might debate you could go out and kill your own food like Ted Nugent, but I personally don't believe in that survival of the fittest bull-poop. Also, the large majority of all of us live in concrete territory, you'll have sincere troubles finding buffalo ranges there. And ultimately, an innocent creature would perish. Because, let's face it; it was not threatening you, you came after it with the sole purpose of killing and eating it.
Also, in those times, vegetarian products weren't nearly as advanced as they are today. Tofu taste like crab droppings to me and I'll be damned if I have to live off that, even now. Pardon my French, but fuck tofu. It has the same basic nutritious value as card board and the same basic taste. The only difference is that tofu also is an icky, spongy matter and that only makes matters worse. Other meat replacements like Quorn™ and seitan were well on their way, but those are really expensive and do not replace every substance given by meat. B12 vitamin warriors may start their flames here. Also they weren't as tasty as now. But more on those subjects later probably.

Anyway, I wanted to live without killing animals, but couldn't. I need to take in nutrients to live and with my crappy health at the time, not eating meat was not an option. Take in account, my lifestyle at that time was unhealthy. And by that I mean: As unhealthy as possible. Exercise was out of the question as it reminded me too much of dreaded P.E. class and only eating vegetables would revert me to one. Also, my family would buy mostly meat products (as any household) and eating meat was largely encouraged throughout the entire community I was living in. Basically, everything you eat is a dead animal, everywhere you go. To most people, however, this is a given and meat is nothing more than a nice tasty food substance.
To me however, it was a necessary evil. Don't get me wrong, I loved eating meat, even to this day. I liked the taste and I didn't stop to think with every bite that I was eating a cute little critter. Just like most meat eaters, meat was food, not murder. Living without it however, I would not be able to function properly, or even at all.

I tested this theory several years back and started fainting everywhere. A party trick not enjoyed by your friends, I can assure you. After a considerably nasty incident that occurred to me during that test at a festival in the middle of nowhere, my mother took me to the doctor and I was ordered to stop being a filthy hippie and start eating meat again. I still have many serious repercussions from that particular incident today, so I advice anyone to read up on something before staking your life on it. The wise doctor had a point. My general health and lifestyle was nowhere nearly good enough to start chipping at my system like that.
To give you an example: It would be like trying to run your 40 year old Lada with cooking oil. It's probably going to be more environmentally sensitive, but soon enough, you'll see your precious old-timer burn to the ground. What did that get you, other than a very brief sense of smug self-satisfaction?  

Something I don't understand is how most vegetarians rant and flame about how people can easily live without meat, but are just lazy or blah blah blah... That's not helping your cause!  
If I came flaming to you, that you should adjust your spelling and/or punctuation or wear proper clothes to adjust to society, would you be grateful or just think I'm an incredible douchebag?... I thought as much.
I, for one, and many other like myself, have to work like crazy to maintain eating vegetarian. And even in doing so, my health isn't as good as it would by eating meat.

By upgrading my health status, quit smoking, not drinking vehemently, exercising regularly, taking in numerous amounts of dairy related products, fruits, vegetables and eating very specifically to uphold iron, vitamin and protein levels to an acceptable level, I now can eat vegetarian and function at about 80% of my regular self.

That's not being lazy if you don't do it, that's severely going out of your way to pull it off! I shouldn't be living to eat, but eating to live.
Most of my actions are led back to being able to uphold functions to a maximum without fainting.
I also choose to live without most B12 supplements as I don't think they're necessary and I don't trust their origin most the time. I could drink soy milk, but have you ever had soy milk? It taste like rubber tires, it's awful! Instead of enriching it with B12 vitamins, how about enriching it with something that doesn't make it taste like my perineum after a 2 hour running session?

At this point I would like to quickly remind everyone that this is not meant to be a propaganda post to start eating vegetarian. Eat all the meat you want, when you want, how you want. At best, I'm only here to remind you you're eating a living entity and I'm only making you aware of what you eat. How you deal with that is your issue.

I would gladly eat meat if there would be a way to do so without having to make animals suffer for it, but that would be fairly wishful thinking. I've heard of experiments where they can take meat of the body of an animal without killing it, through some sort of stomate. The problem there is that they've somehow decided to take meat from the animals without sedation. Something that can only be extremely traumatic, I can imagine.. Another experiment would consist of cloning, but that essentially is the same as butchering to me, as all the same rules apply to it other than the creation of the animal.
In the illusion that no animal would suffer from it, nor physically or other, I would consider eating meat again. But let's face it: that will never happen. Man is too much of a cruel being for that to happen.
 
That's why I would gladly eat human flesh. I wouldn't eat an animal, because it didn't deserve to get eaten. An animal is nondiscriminatory in it's prey. It does not kill unless it is necessary, nor would a herbivore start slaughtering bunnies, because it essentially could. That would just be madness. Imagine what would happen if every animal on this planet would think like us. Dolphins going: "Hey, there's that fucking pod of whales again, let's go destroy these fools!" Although, on the whale part, I'd be inclined to make an exception as I have a severe phobia of whales. Don't ask, they just freak me out, big time! Ok,  bad example, let's try that again.

Horses galloping about in the meadows wouldn't suddenly go on a goat murdering rampage, because that's Metal man! Like biting the necks of the poor souls and showering themselves in their blood, listening to "The Stallion" from Bathory. Metaaaaaaaaaaal *high pitched whinny*!!! There, that's more accurate. In the case every animal on the planet would live like that, we'd have a (Charles, not Marilyn) Manson quote on our hands as there would be none of us left. It would make for a short, adrenaline fused experience while the world would completely eradicate itself, so that'd be fun. But luckily animals are sensible in their simple, primitive thought. Don't kill unless necessary. Kill if necessary. Someone attacking you or your loved ones? Kill them and protect the greater good. Animal on the horizon minding it's own business? don't go after it and teach that sucker a lesson in the food-chain and how it works. We can choose to live off something else, like meat substitutes or plants, we just choose to be oppressive and ignore the superior intellect we were blessed with. I'll for a moment ignore the theory that dolphins would be more intelligent than us, I find it odd to measure that, so let's say we rule supreme. Until dolphins come out of the sea to enslave us all, Simpsons-style or fly off to leave us to our dooms as in The hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, we'll just suppose we're the smarter bunch and throw a high five at ourselves.To make matters worse, in our arrogance, we also ignore the one race we should be eliminating: Mankind! Why spare only 1 species on our entire planet?  Overpopulation is a well-known global problem and incarcerations and other punishments for "bad people" don't work and are getting too crowded anyway. Why not help me and help yourself and start whacking away at the gene pool? I encourage everyone reading this to go out and kill (or at least wound) everyone standing in your way. I'll refrain from tasteless jokes about senseless violence, but go now! My point is: Why fight with daily frustrations if you can solve that dispute from it's very source? Someone ran over your cat? Murder them. Getting bullied at school? Knife them in the back, they won't see it coming. Someone wouldn't give you Chinese cuts in the lunch line (10 points for reference)? Beat them within an inch of their lives, mend the wounds, then murder them.

I, for one, am a strong supporter of the idea of Soylent Green or just regular Mansteaks. Seriously, if 95% of all people around the globe would perish, we'd be saved. And I'm not saying just people dubbed as wrong or jailed, because that's also a human point of view. There are billions of people out on the streets with the right to get killed and eaten. And no, not just carnivores, that'd be an easy pick, but we're in this together. Spare me the "how would you like it if it was you getting killed?" as it obviously only applies when not slaughtering animals. But, of course, it's fine to murder those.But let's look at things objectively for a second: There are too much humans on this planet. Mankind is destroying its habitat at a frightening faster rate everyday. No other solutions brought by the amazing power of politics has worked. Everybody hates a certain type of person (like said politicians). I hate humanity as a whole. With all these factors known, we can start the frenzy! It might be unrealistic, but it would aid us all accomplish yet another victory for mankind. With all the douchebags taking dirt naps or enriching my soil or my stomach, what would there be left to worry about? No more famine, no more need for incarceration, no poverty; I could even speculate less disease. We would effectively be saved! No need for a second coming Jesus, we got your back on this one. We're cool.

After all that is done and the world is cleansed of 95% of it's plague, we can start rebuilding in a newer fashion. One where we would teach people from the start to not eat meat like a lesser species of mammals. Who knows, if enough douchebags are gone, we might even stop eating human flesh at some point. But hopefully only after I've departed. I hate humanity too much to have to relinquish my murder meals.
Murder Meals: It's like a Happy Meal™, but only it actually makes you happy, instead of just giving you gas. People could personally make their own meals and relieve themselves of some frustrations in the process. Another bad day on the job? Time for a nice Murder Meal. Boom, Headshot! Hmmm. Globalism wouldn't reach inhumane proportions anymore, as there would be too little people to create that vast a network. Metal heads would finally start looking on the bright side of life as all there songs about blood, murder and cannibalism have come together in this joyous triumvirate. Mother Nature would propose to marry me after my heroic idea. Mankind would lie dead at my feet and the world would be at peace.
A man can dream

PS: This blog would've been done a lot faster, if it hadn't suddenly died when I finished it and thereby killed over 3 hours of writing with it. Most of the writing is an attempt at recreating that original, but worse. Like a store brand cola. You'll drink it, but it will never be or beat real cola.